Sleeping in separate beds has attached to it a stigma that suggests a relationship or marriage to be unsuccessful or on the verge of a crisis. This does not have to be the reason when considering issues of snoring, work schedules, or even preferences in what type of mattress is suitable. Suite101 writer, Melissa Thayer, interviewed two couples on their reasons for and the effects of their choice.
Sleep Deprivation Effects
Sleep deprivation is a significant problem and one that most people have without realizing it. Having the sleep–wake cycle disrupted by late nights and early mornings can cause negative affects on mental and physical functions.
Some typical symptoms of sleep deprivation include trembling hands, inattention, staring off into space, droopy eyelids and general discomfort, as well as emotional symptoms such as irritability and depression, according to P. Naitoh, T.L. Kelly and C.E. Englund in a 1989 report entitled "Health Effects of Sleep Deprivation" published by the Naval Health Research Centre.
Being deprived of sleep not only affects personal functioning, but relationship, especially the close ones. According to one separately-sleeping couple interviewed, the husband said, "Nothing says 'I love you' like a good night's sleep. Allowing her to get a good rest was my gift to her."
Separate Beds in a Marriage Relationship
One of the couples (Kerry and John, ages 48 and 42) began sleeping separately three years ago, due to several factors. One was that Kerry, as a light sleeper and under stress, was having trouble sleeping. With concerns of not being able to make it through the work day without a proper night's rest, the couple decided to try the separate arrangement.
"We were working together in a business that demanded a lot of our time together. It was really hard on our marriage to spend 24/7 with each other – especially when it was so stressful. Also, he works from home, so we get to see each other quite a bit. Sleeping separately gives me the "alone time" that I need," she says.
When asked if they felt ashamed about this lifestyle change, Kerry answered she did at first, but not anymore. John said, "It was awkward at first in that you think, 'What does this mean? Is this okay?' but I never felt ashamed about it."
The second couple, Lois and William are 49 and 46 years old, respectively. They have been together three years and cohabiting for nine months. Their reasoning for the arrangement was Lois' choice and partly because she is menopausal and gets particularly hot at night and also because of a heart condition she has where she will wake suddenly and cannot get back to sleep.
What About the Romance?
Isn't it unromantic to sleep separately? To that, John answered, "I think romance tends to be defined as being inseparable, as if being joined at the hip 24/7 equals intimacy. But intimacy is preferring one another and providing a safe, rich place for one another emotionally, and physically. It is not as if we have decided to throw out romance; we've just thrown out sleep deprivation."
According to Kerry, it was more difficult emotionally for her. John thinks it is not necessarily thinking "what does this mean"? but more, "If society recognized sleeping separately at times as totally neutral and even loving and enriching, I don't think Kerry would have felt the way she did. Me, I look upon the whole situation as Kerry having her own apartment, which I regularly crash in order to ravish her. It is a romance builder."
On the other hand, Lois feels occasionally a bit on the cold side emotionally, though admitting that she and William have a close friendship, so that helps. She says that the sleeping arrangements have reduced their sex life, but also blames that on having three teenage children in the house. She appreciates that their foundation of friendship helps to navigate this arrangement and that they do not feel ashamed of it, though only their kids know.
Troubled Marriage or Loving Relationship?
The choice to sleep separately is not an indicator that a relationship is unhealthy. Both of the couples, and many others like them, are making a choice out of love and necessity, not resentment or anger. Motive is the indicator of relationship health. So, if sleeping separately is something that requires consideration, don't be burdened by the question "what does this mean for our relationship?" It may be the healthier choice.
Resources:
Naitoh, P., Kelly, T.L., & Englund, C.E. "Health Effects of Sleep Deprivation. Naval Health Research Centre (1989), Report No. 89-46.
Personal interviews, names have been changed as per request
Olivia Benson - Olivia Benson has been writing full-time since 2010, though it’s a craft she’s been passionate about since she figured out how ...
